I'm guessing this is some kind of elder horror, and its arrival signals the begining of the End Times.
Your description of this thing made me burst out laughing. WOW! Your creature really IS a doozy!!! I can’t imagine what I would have done had I seen YOUR monster. I don’t usually hang out on this site because I know almost nothing about spiders. this morning, I requested help with one in my living room… But yes, seeing yours, I think I should be far more worried about End Times. Almost hard to believe.
Hi, this is a white banded fishing spider, Dolomedes albineus. They are large but not dangerous.